so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
