i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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