Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
