I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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