So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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