The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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