Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
