Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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