She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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