Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
My breasts were aching with rage.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
