got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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