two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
