The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
