yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
