Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Are we in a gay sports bar?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
The Olympian is in my bed
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
