Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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