she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
