My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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