so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
