I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
We are two peas in an std pod
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
