I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
