Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
