I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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