no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
