theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
