An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize