hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
