So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
