This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Randomize
