Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
