I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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