that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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