Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
