ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
