He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
