Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
