My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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