you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
