you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize