I think my fart just growled at me.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
