woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
