I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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