proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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