Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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