My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
