I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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