I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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