Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
