She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
