Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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