My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
