if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize