We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
