U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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