I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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